One of the age old questions that our society goes back on forth on is;
What gender naturally excels when it comes to sexual health?
Questions like; Is it healthy to rely on one partner to lead in the bedroom? Or what is the difference between sex and intimacy? Society tells us that men typically possess the higher desire trait while women are often lower desire partners. There are plenty of women that have a higher drive than their husband but we want to dive into what desire is and if men really have more intimacy skills than women.
To cut right to the chase, No gender has the dominant role in ushering exactly what sexuailty is.
Let’s find out why:
Because of their physical makeup, men are usually able to get into the sexual mind space and climax quicker than women. It is not uncommon for men to set the parameters for intimacy within a marriage because of their natural niche to orgasm. However, and this is a big HOWEVER, women have so many natural sexual traits that are not usually validated but count very heavily for healthy intimacy. Women, It is up to you to know what you’re bringing to the table when it comes to sexual health, no matter what you were taught!
Women possess very strong and natural sexual traits
Before we get into the subject too much, let’s define what intimacy is. The dictionary defines intimacy as,” mental, emotional or physical closeness such as a personal remark, a warm and familiar setting, or detailed knowledge about a subject.”
Understanding the definition of intimacy is important because it reminds us that sex and intimacy are not the same thing, although we often talk about them as though they are.
“I remember getting married and telling my husband, “ You are way better at sex/ intimacy than me so you are going to have to teach me in this area so we be happy.” Opposed to other important areas of my life; work, education, and friendships where I felt comfortable, intimacy seemed to be a wild card. Now I look back and feel embarrassed that I talked about our sexual experience that way.”
It’s time to show up for yourself and our spouse by not leaving our sexual experience up to anyone but yourself.
We are going to lean on a chapter of “Sex Made Simple” by Barry McCarthy to get correct examples of intimacy. McCarthy talks about ‘non-demand pleasuring and playful touch’ like hand holding, back rubs, and hugging. “Sexuality includes sensual, playful, and erotic touch- not just intercourse.” (pg 69).
“Non demand pleasuring has the crucial role of facilitating sexual openness and receptivity. The theme is valuing playful touch for itself as well as serving as a bridge to eroticism, intercourse, and orgasm. Acceptance, pleasure, receptivity, and responsivity facilitate couples’ sexuality. Demands, individual sex performance, and sexual power struggle subvert couples sexuality.”
Non-sexual touch is so important because it creates a safe place where you can get comfortable with your spouse and enjoy the moment.
If something happens it can happen organically and with no pressure. This is a really important part for both partners but especially the lower desire partner. “Sexual desire is enhanced by freedom, choice, and unpredictability. “ (pg 70).
Healthy intimacy takes awareness and effort from both partners. One partner will never have a monopoly over the other even though women are typically better at initiating non-demanding pleasure and men at sex. To meet in the middle both you and your spouse can work to create playful and fun dates, you can continue to try new things together such as cooking, exercising, and self care.